Hi everyone! I hope everyone is having a great Saturday! I’m sore because I had a wisdom tooth removed this morning. I don’t mean to exaggerate too much but the procedure was harsh. The damn thing didn’t want to come out of my mouth! I think the dentist dragged (pun intended ;)) out the procedure more than necessary. She put a few shots of Anesthesia, along with some shots of morphine (I lost count of how many.). She continued to wiggle my head and jaw repeatedly for about an hour! I don’t think I’ve ever felt so much pressure in my life! I know it’s disgusting! The disgusting, curved tooth was finally removed! She recommended I have it removed because it had a huge cavity on it. Let’s just say I’m not going to eat for a day or two. I’m hungry so I asked Andre to buy me a strawberry shake earlier. I’m still hungry but paranoid to eat something better. I don’t wish the yanking, tooth soreness and drooling on anyone!
Since I am not up for moving much, I’ve been lying around watching Netflix. I’ve managed to sleep a little but watched two pretty good movies, “Benny and Joon” and Lifetime’s “Jodi Arias: Dirty Little Secret.” I first heard of Jodi Arias sometime back while watching Oxygen’s “Snapped.” For those who aren’t familiar with her, she shot and stabbed her ex- boyfriend almost 30 times in his Arizona home. Prior to that, she constantly stalked him. The whole thing was extremely gruesome. Although she faces life in prison for her heinous crime, I tried to put myself in her position. In a way, I understand why she brutally murdered him. Do I think she should have murdered him the way she did or at all? Not at all! The best thing would’ve been to move on with her life. She took the painful breakup and rejection too seriously.
I would be lying if I said I’ve never experienced heartbreak and rejection. It is extremely painful to be abandoned by a man, especially your own father. My father and I haven’t really been close in life. Him and my mother separated before I was born. My mother remarried when I was five. Guys, all of this is in the past but I feel the need to sometimes tell you about my background. I was very hurt and angry as a child ;even as a young adult for many years. My father started separate lives with two other women. He rarely called me unless it was Christmas or a day before or after my birthday. He usually didn’t even know how old I was. Hearing or experiencing stuff like this, especially as a child, feels pretty bad. Whenever I saw him, I wasn’t even that happy. I didn’t really miss him but maybe once or twice in my life. I probably did but I didn’t miss him as if it were a close relative or friend. It felt bad when he did not attend my college graduation. Yes, I was grateful for the card he sent me afterwards but to be honest, I was pretty upset for about five years after that. I didn’t speak to him for five years after I earned my bachelors degree.
He said he loved me on a few occasions but I didn’t really see anything that proved it to me. Yes, he paid my mother child support and bought me gifts however I craved attention and love! I craved these two things from boys /guys when I became a teenager. I wanted a guy to tell me how pretty I was, show me affection and constantly pay attention to me. This is why I say I understand Jodi…to a degree. It took me a long time to love and accept myself the way I am. I still have self-esteem issues at times but it continues to improve. I used to be a lot more jealous and insecure when I was in previous relationships. I’m still jealous and insecure these days but like I said I’ve grown and improved. Andre has accepted me the way I am, whereas other men would eventually bail. Looking back, I can see why! I’d take the relationship and my emotions too seriously. I’ve done that in my current relationship, but I feel more secure with myself and the relationship. It took me years to learn a woman shouldn’t chase a man or anyone!
Going back to my past, I continued to make myself a victim for many years. I was always angry at my father for treating me that way. I was always angry and love scorned/jaded from previous relationships. In a way, I know how Jodi felt when her ex told her he just wanted her for sex and to stay out of his life because he moved on with someone else.
One morning some years back while I was waking up, I said to myself fu*k all of this pain and misery you’ve been feeling for years! Stop it and move on with your life…start being grateful for what you have from now on! I have to remind myself to do this at times! I still like to have a pity party from time to time as well. What can I say, I’m human and I’m definitely not a robot? Thank you all for reading and your time. I hope you continue to have a great weekend! Until next time!