Hi everyone. Instead of #RomanticTuesday, I decided to write a post and letter about #MeToo. I will resume #RomanticTuesday next week. If you’re on social media, you might have heard of #MeToo. #MeToo is a way for people to share their voices and stories of sexual harassment and abuse via social media. Actress Alyssa Milano began this on Twitter a few days after the Harvey Weinstein scandal. Other celebrities like Lady Gaga, America Ferrara, Debra Messing and others are also participating.
Being a survivor of these types of abuse, I think this movement is empowering. It’s a way for survivors to speak up and express themselves…even if it happened to them many years ago. This also lets others know it’s OK to speak out against these actions.
I didn’t tell anyone I was abused until many years after it happened. I was ashamed of myself. I always thought it was my fault for years. I now know none of it was my fault. I decided to write a letter about it. I’ve wanted to write about this subject for awhile. I don’t think I was strong enough to do it in the past. I’m no longer that person that needs or wants to keep quiet anymore. I haven’t been that shy and innocent little girl for a long time. I’m still reserved but I’m different now. I’ve changed a lot over the years.
Number 1 and 2,
I won’t use your names because 1). You’re dead 2). I don’t know where you are. First of all, I want to say I’ve forgiven both of you. Believe me, it was really hard to do. I eventually had to do it for myself. It took me many years to let go. It took many years to convince myself it wasn’t my fault. It took many years not to feel ashamed. I’m not going to lie, I’ve had nightmares and trust issues with men throughout my teenage and adult years. I’ve had low self esteem and low self worth throughout my life. I still have a good cry every once in awhile. What you both did to me isn’t OK and I am ready to speak out. I want others who might be going through it or have gone through it to know you are not alone. You have a voice and it’s important. I hope you speak out when the time is right for you. It’s taken me 27 years to write about it but it’s better late than never. We have to raise our children not to accept or participate in these behaviors.
#2, I still have flashbacks of that night in college when I told you I didn’t want to fu*k you, yet you forced yourself on me. I tried to convince myself it was my fault because I asked you for a ride to my apartment and let you come inside. I told myself I was asking for it because I was drinking. I tried convincing myself it was just a one night stand. I never have to see you again. I told you I didn’t want you but you still threw me on my bed and insisted. You held me down on the bed and forced yourself in me. I figured I was just drunk and took it even if I didn’t want you. I even let you stay in my bed all night and acted like nothing happened the next day. I let you sleep next to me. You finally left early the next morning. That was the last time I ever saw you. I’m sure I was just some random 20-year-old slut you fuc*ed after that night. Did you just take a shower and forget it ever happened? I doubt you even remember what number I was on your list of girls you’ve fu*ked. I doubt you even remember me or my face. I haven’t forgotten that night and I never will. I may not remember the exact date but that’s one night I won’t forget. I hope what you did to me never happens to your daughter, sister, best girl friend or significant other.
#1, I don’t even know where to start so I’m just going to put it out there. Did you think it was OK to touch me in my private places? I was only 9 years old! You took away a part of my purity and innocence. You kept touching me in these places for two years. You even did it in public places. Why? Did you do this to other kids? Did you get pleasure out of it? I had many sleepless nights after these two years of hell. I had to hide my feelings and pretend I was alright in front of other adults and kids. I even had to pretend in front of my own parents! My parents had their own problems so I didn’t want to burden them with more. I didn’t want them to think I was lying to get attention. There was already family drama so I didn’t want to cause more. This had nothing to do with my parents. This was all about me and your stupid power trip over me, an innocent 9 year old. How did you even sleep at night? Adults sometimes wondered why I was so mean, angry and bitter in later years. I was your victim for so many years but I’m not anymore. I still have days where I don’t want to get out of bed or I want to cry but I choose not to be your victim anymore. I choose to be a survivor! I hated all of those nightmares I had, especially in my 20’s. You touched my body in your own backyard or room. You always wanted to be involved in my life. Everyone always thought you were so nice for taking me places and spending time with me. I never wanted to be around you! I can honestly say I hated you for a long time. You were a disgusting monster in my eyes. My skin would crawl whenever you touched me or wanted me to hug you. You finally left me alone after you found someone. I forgave you a long time ago because I had no other choice. I should’ve spoken up sooner because I don’t know if you hurt other children. I forgive you. Whenever someone mentions your name, I don’t feel anything anymore. They say you were such a good person but I can’t agree. I’m sure there will be other instances when your memory will creep up in my nightmares and flashbacks but guess what? I’m not your little victim anymore. I am a survivor of your game and I’m still standing strong. Before my son was born, I thought about ending it all a few times. I wanted to give up on life. I thought I didn’t have anything to live for. But you know what? I’m better than you and your stupid game. I won because I am still here until I die for whatever reason that may be. Life is beautiful and I still have a lot to accomplish. All you are to me now is an occasional flashback or nightmare. You are dead and buried! Don’t expect me to visit your grave because you don’t deserve it. Everything that happened wasn’t mine or anyone else’s fault but your own.
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