Moving on after a loss

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NOTE: This post was written on June 21, 2018. I didn’t know if I should publish it or not but I decided to. I published it when I felt ready to do so. WARNING: This is a long and graphic post.

Hi everyone! I hope all is well for you. This is going to be one of the hardest posts I’ve ever written. When I was a reporter, I reported on some tragic stories. I had to interview a mother who lost her son in a train accident. I had to interview a mother whose daughter was murdered hours after it happened. I interviewed people who went through a natural disaster in Asia. I can’t remember all of their names but I’ll never forget their stories. I don’t know if this post was harder to write than those stories.  

I’m taking this situation harder than I thought I would. Right now I have mixed feelings. I couldn’t stop crying throughout the day and night on June 20 and 21. I couldn’t fall asleep until 4 a.m. I kept tossing and turning until I finally had to take a Tylenol PM to calm myself down.  I still feel like crying today but the tears aren’t coming out right now. I appreciate anyone who’s willing to read it. I also understand if you don’t want to. This post is going to be very raw and from the heart. There isn’t an easy way to write it so I am just going to write what I feel. It might also be longer than other posts. Please forgive me if it’s all over the place, that’s actually how I feel. 

Those who have been following my blog for some time know that me and my boyfriend were attempting In-vitro fertilization (IVF) this year. We had the opportunity to do it on May 23. We were able to transfer (this gets done with a catheter) two embryos (an egg and sperm). We had five embryos but only two made it. The other three stopped growing before five days so there were none left to freeze. Taking all of the meds before and after IVF was very hard on my body. There were days when I didn’t want to get out of bed. There were days when I was in pain or going to the bathroom constantly. There were also days when I was bleeding. My doctor was aware of the bleeding and checked me at four weeks. He told me everything was fine and we saw that I was still pregnant. He gave me progesterone injections. Some of the bleeding finally stopped. I took three home pregnancy tests and they were all positive. The doctor did a blood test two weeks after the procedure and it was positive. June 20 was my six-week ultrasound. I didn’t know if everything was still OK so I decided to take a pregnancy test before going to the ultrasound. 

There isn’t any other way to say this but unfortunately the procedure failed. I miscarried what could’ve been two babies at six weeks. It was a very early miscarriage. Some might say it doesn’t count because it was so early in the pregnancy. I couldn’t help but wonder what it would’ve been like to be a mom again. We had so many hopes and dreams for these babies. We wanted to start planning their room. I told a few trusted friends and family members about the pregnancy and miscarriage. The ultrasound was completely black. There was no sign of life in my uterus anymore. Part of me just wanted to have a meltdown. I acted like it didn’t bother me when my doctor told me and I saw it for myself. He apologized and kept telling me ‘ánimo’ Lisa, ánimo!’ ‘Cheer up, Lisa, kind of like chin up, Lisa. Whatever. I just looked at him and gave him a little smile. He did all he could so I can’t blame him.    

I am now in between lots of cramping and bleeding. My body is trying to heal itself. It might be a week or two before it completely happens. I’ve already spent two weeks bleeding. Chunks of blood clots were leaving my body. Part of me just wants to stay in bed while another part of me wants to forget about it and do something else. I’ve been doing stuff around the house here and there. I’ve been listening to music on the couch. I have a different emotion every hour or so. I don’t feel like myself right now. I don’t want my son or family to see me like this. I am a mess and this shook me to my core. It’s happened to people I know. All I’ve managed to say is I’m so sorry and listen to their stories. It just hits you from nowhere when it happens to you. I think the best thing to say to someone who goes through this is “I’m sorry” or “I’m here for you.” Nothing else should be said. I shouldn’t say it’s just me because I know it hurts my boyfriend a lot too. He expresses his anger and sadness in a different way. Men are taught to always be strong. It’s OK not to be strong all of the time. I’m invited to 2 baby showers. I don’t think I’m strong enough to go.

I feel like my body failed me. I feel guilty about this not happening for us. I feel like it was all my fault. Here we were two weeks ago already celebrating and happy. Maybe it was too soon to do that. How can couples go through this over and over again until they get pregnant? One woman I spoke to in an online IVF support group said she’s done NINE separate IVFs! How is that even possible? We say we want to try again in three or four months. I guess all we can do is heal and wait until the time comes. We are going to prepare better by exercising, eating better and taking more vitamins again. Thank you for reading my sadness. I want to see infertility and miscarriage get talked about more. This happens to people we all know but you probably don’t even know about it. Society still tells us not to talk about these things in public. I have a voice and choose to share what I feel through words. I’m also a voice for those who can’t or don’t want to talk about their experiences. 

Photo from Pexels

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13 comments

  1. This is a type of loss that I’ve no experience with, so I cannot even imagine your pain right now. All I can say is that I’m so sorry. Just keep your emotional wagons circled for you and your family while you grieve, the rest of the world can take care of itself.
    Hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m so sorry for your losses! I agree, we don’t want to hear try again or it will happen when it’s meant to. I have one son but I haven’t been able to get pregnant again. Thank you.

    Like

  3. Hi John. Thank you for reading my post and your comment. I appreciate it, it means a lot. I’m so sorry about you and your wife’s loss. Although men express their feelings differently, going through this still hurts a lot. Going through IVF is hard too.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Oh honey, that’s so hard, and so sad. I had a miscarriage years ago at 9 weeks- you have to mourn that loss. In Japan, they have whole gardens and shrines dedicated to women who have lost babies, through whatever event:

    https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/jizo-statues-the-japanese-statues-giving-closure-to-women-who-have-miscarried-a7519416.html

    Do whatever you need to do to honour yourself and your man at this time; your hormones will take you on a wild ride for sure; but it will slowly fade… and Life goes on, just a little deeper and more keenly felt than before. A long hug from Australia, G xOO

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I am so very sorry for your and your boyfriend’s loss Lisa. You are very courageous to share this with us, but perhaps by putting into words the strong feelings of pain and loss you’re experiencing will enable you to better heal emotionally.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I am so very sorry. I understand the fear and hurt and anger and ….just ….the feeling of loss. I miscarried very early at 5-6 weeks and I was crushed. I got the same “it’s going to be okay, just try again” but I was still devastated.
    We did try again and I “miscarried” at 19 weeks. That messed me up for a long time. I went on 2 years later to finally have a healthy baby girl, but I do feel like one of my lines in the sand (things that change you profoundly) was my miscarriages.
    There are no words, but my heart is with you.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Your post resonated with pain that I’ve previously endured. My wife and I were unsuccessful with IVF. It’s been 7 years and it still hurts to think about it. My heart goes out to you. This is not an easy thing through.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I don’t want to like this but want you to know I read it all. Every word.
    I’m here for you babe. I’ve been through two of these… As soon as you see a positive result that baby becomes a possibility. A hope. A dream about to come true.
    It’s not a missed miscarriage or too early…
    You need time to grieve.
    I’m so sorry Lisa. I feel your pain keenly.
    If I can do anything please let me know 🙏💜

    Liked by 2 people

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